I’ve been isolating at home for a few days now. Not the type of isolation we became acquainted with during the days Of COVID, but an isolation borne out of living in an expensive city, and having little to no money in my bank account(s).

One might think such a situation could be a blessing of sorts, to someone who looks for time and space to work creatively, and it could be turned into a period of productivity. I often have that thought. Unfortunately, that thought tends to arrive as a judgement, rather than a plan for the future. That is, having sat at home, and done little more than watch some films, scroll on my phone, and feed myself – I’m exaggerating, I did also go to the gym yesterday, and the pottery the day before – I look at the time that has passed and say to myself, why have you not made use of this time, to write or make a film? You should have!

So my isolation has not been particularly productive. Which brings me onto my question: Why am I not productive in this isolation? And my answer: Because, naturally, in such an isolation, I’m preoccupied with anxiety and a fear of having no money.

Sometimes my work, as an assistant director, affords me time off. I can work a three day week and that will be plenty to keep me afloat. However, sometimes the work is not available to me, but I cannot afford not to work, and in that situation, the “time off” is time off from work, but in lieu of those 40 hours of ADing, I am doing countless more worrying, distracting myself with trips to the pottery or gym, or in front of a screen scrolling or watching.

Now, there is a type of solution that someone might offer, that I would summarise as: Be More Disciplined. Although it may also come in the form of: If you can’t do anything about it, don’t worry about it. In other words: Look inside and find a way of being ok. And then there is another: Get Another Job or Find More Work; i.e. if you’re so worried about money do something about it! In other words look outside yourself, and find a way of being ok.

I periodically try out both pieces of advice, and yet I consistently find myself in the middle of the two, a rabbit in the headlights, fearful of my financial demise, and unable to move myself sufficiently to do anything about it. Worried about my lack of funds, trying to find more assistant directing, maybe looking for another job too, and also trying to make films, or do a bit of writing, as I am doing here. But in between those things, most of the time, I just wait. Distract myself and wait. And wait. Until an invoice comes in. Until I feed myself with a bit of creativity. Then soon enough I’ll wait again.

If I had money, consistently, would I be more able to write and make? Perhaps, perhaps not, but I would be more relaxed and calm, and probably able to rest when I should, and focus at other times too.